--- fortune-mod-1.99.1.orig/datfiles/off/unrotated/black-humor +++ fortune-mod-1.99.1/datfiles/off/unrotated/black-humor @@ -36,19 +36,19 @@ "That's dynamite, baby." -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. % - A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved -dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his + A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved +dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet. "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. - The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," -he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way -of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got -outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a + The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," +he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way +of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got +outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? How's Mom?" - His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got + His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got outside one day..." % A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? @@ -125,7 +125,7 @@ The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." "Well, would you live in this house?" - "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. + "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here." "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" "No." @@ -213,7 +213,7 @@ % At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. - -- H.R. Gumby + -- H. R. Gumby % "Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? @@ -238,10 +238,10 @@ % **** CONVENTION REMINDER -No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects -Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice -smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel -carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button +No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects +Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice +smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel +carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. % Crush! Kill! Destroy! @@ -314,7 +314,7 @@ to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W.C.: It's almost impossible. - -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. + -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" % Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! @@ -348,9 +348,9 @@ jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the brush after them. % -During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were -blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face -country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost +During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were +blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face +country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at @@ -473,7 +473,7 @@ The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round again, Harris and the pie were gone! - It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for + It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. @@ -504,7 +504,7 @@ could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, you know." % - Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home + Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife. "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost @@ -562,12 +562,12 @@ "How would that help?" "Used a whip." % -Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a -date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? -And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so -you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right -smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you -don't hear your girl screaming any more? +Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a +date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? +And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so +you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right +smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you +don't hear your girl screaming any more? Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! @@ -710,7 +710,7 @@ my arm." % I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - -- W.C. Fields + -- W. C. Fields % IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing @@ -719,7 +719,7 @@ % If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. - -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" + -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" % ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls @@ -751,8 +751,9 @@ don't like it. -- Gerry Youghkins % -If you love something set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, -hunt it down and kill it. +If you love something, set it free. +If it comes back to you, it'll be yours forever. +If it doesn't, hunt it down and shoot it with an AK 47 % "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw." -- W. C. Fields @@ -846,7 +847,7 @@ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand -any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are +any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of @@ -940,10 +941,10 @@ Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. -- Spike Milligan % - Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly + Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as -to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? +to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun." % My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: @@ -1017,11 +1018,11 @@ "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much taller." % - On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum -to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. -There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning -alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't -dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is + On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum +to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. +There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning +alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't +dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is saying." The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back @@ -1191,7 +1192,7 @@ Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." - "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. + "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. That way you'll get it out of your system." Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, @@ -1200,13 +1201,13 @@ several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and yelled at him: "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! -Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer +Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim at his head!" Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over -here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the +here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the psychiatrist said. "Why?" "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" @@ -1429,7 +1430,7 @@ "Oh my God," screamed Mommy, "You went and ate the Baby." -"What baby?" asked Daddy. "You know that's just the last of the leftover +"What baby?" asked Daddy. "You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey." "Donkey, my ass!" said Mommy with some sentience. "Do you think I don't @@ -1446,7 +1447,7 @@ Mommy, "that I was saving for Christmas dinner." "Testicles, testicles," said Daddy. "A man gets tired of testicles." - -- L.L. Zeiger + -- L. L. Zeiger % The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon @@ -1540,10 +1541,10 @@ Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 % "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone +parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the +Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the @@ -1555,7 +1556,7 @@ look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. + "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if @@ -1717,9 +1718,9 @@ you run out of food. -- Dean McLaughlin. % - "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 -blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 -blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly + "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 +blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 +blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being ripped off..." "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and