--- fortune-mod-1.99.1.orig/datfiles/off/unrotated/privates +++ fortune-mod-1.99.1/datfiles/off/unrotated/privates @@ -144,11 +144,11 @@ "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" "Malignant." % -A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this -particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the -man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very -fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, -felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under +A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this +particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the +man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very +fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, +felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, @@ -218,7 +218,7 @@ "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper pricks than those raised in Africa?" The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, -"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are +"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are about the same." % A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the @@ -294,10 +294,10 @@ % Anything more than three shakes is for fun. % -Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee +Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. -The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about -cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with +The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about +cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" % @@ -313,11 +313,11 @@ quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming -in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck -the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door -she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in -response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my -ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, +in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck +the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door +she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in +response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my +ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you... uh... don't have all the..." "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" @@ -447,7 +447,7 @@ % I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! - -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead + -- W. C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead % "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" @@ -483,7 +483,7 @@ Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor? -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" % -I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. +I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. -- Firesign Theatre % @@ -624,7 +624,7 @@ Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the mirror, admiring her breasts. "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. - "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a + "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty-five-year-old." "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?" "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." @@ -864,9 +864,9 @@ people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" % The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means -to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he +to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. -He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the +He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." @@ -911,13 +911,13 @@ "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" % This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women -stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, -looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a -stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly -desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a -one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he -decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, -and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the +stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, +looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a +stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly +desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a +one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he +decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, +and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when @@ -987,7 +987,7 @@ into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent -erection. +erection. Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" %